MORMONS

Disneyland is a place that is only transient in childhood years.

But imagine if you could turn this short, mind-blowingly happy experience into your home. 

Well, you can. 

Well,

I can. 

See, I have a plan, far greater than any plan ever. Thing is, this is MY life plan, so if you steal it I will come find you, hunt you down and probably move in with you. 

My plan of greatness and eternal happiness involves mormons. Yes, Mormonism. The cult of people that consider JOSEPH SMITH to be their most recent Jesus. If you don’t know about Joseph Smith, I have copied some reliable historical context from wikipedia. It’s pretty sexual:

“In 1823 Smith said an angel directed him to a buried book written on golden plates containing the religious history of an ancient people.[17] Smith published what he said was a translation of these plates in March 1830 as the Book of Mormon, named after Mormon, the ancient prophet-historian who compiled the book, and on April 6, 1830, Smith founded the Church of Christ.[18] Smith began establishing an outpost in Jackson County, Missouri,[21] where he planned to eventually build the city of Zion (or the New Jerusalem).”

An angel?  Alright then babes.   Sex. 

Mormons do not drink alcohol. Or tea. Or coffee. And tend to only marry within the family. 

So let’s just say the children are pretty fucked up.   (Genetically)

But what I find most intriguing about mormons is their amazing temples. See, their temples are so fantastically wonderful looking that there must be GOLD or golden goose eggs or something of wondrous wealth hidden inside the mystical walls. 

So once I tried to walk inside one. And oh joseph smith would not let me in. I had to be part of the temple. A mormon. 

STEPS ON HOW TO MAKE DISNEYLAND YOUR PERMANENT HOME:

1.   Find a mormon temple somewhere. They tend to look like disneyland.                                                                   --> 
2. Make sure you have two friends of different skin colour to yours on either side of you and that you are very comfortable with them. 
3. Go outside a mormon temple with these friends. 
4. Make loud shouting noises to attract the mormons’ attention. 
5. Have bottles of beer lined up on the floor in front of you, each bottle separated with a cup of coffee. Light some cigarettes as well and scatter them around the floor just for effect.
6. As the mormons gather around you from your shouting and are lured in from the smell of addictive substances, passionately kiss both of your friends as if having a threesome. Every so often take a swig from the alc&coffee in front of you. 
7. Laugh at their reaction. 
8. Watch them run away from you as fast as they can. 
9. Go inside their abandoned temple. 
10. Live there. In disneyland. Make your profile picture of you holding a golden goose egg inside disney land...
11. ...until they return with pitchforks.      

In which case,  run.