BARN DANCE

“Rachel, you and James should go to a barn dance together. Tell James I have a bandana he can borrow!”  - Deb.

It’s nice that my mother tries to contribute to my love life. But socially I think she is inept. The highlight of her months are her book club nights. And yes those only happen once a month.

See, here’s the thing with American parents; some are the “cool” kind and some are just ridiculous. 

I know many who are fortunate enough to be graced with the cool types. The cheerleader marrying the football captain with cheerleader graduating with a degree in fashion and the football captain going on into business. 

Sometimes I wish my parents had more friends. 

“Rachel, I really wish you played lacrosse instead of singing in choir. I played lacrosse and it got me so many girlfriends!”   - Mike

“Rachel I was so cool in high school and college. You just don’t believe it. I was on the mathletes, I was treasurer of my senoir high school class AND I participated in intramural gymnastics.”   - Deb. 

In British terms,

Treasurer= The poor kid who has to count up money for charity events and shit. 

Intramural= A team that is too crap to be coached by an actual sports teacher.

Barn dances would be a laugh, let’s not lie. But then so would trips to the Natural History Museum and watching animal mating documentaries on the nature channel. But those are things no one admits they’d wish to do. 

-One time in biology our teacher showed us a video about Lonesome George the turtle in the Galapagos . He was the last of his kind and the biologyistical people were trying to find ways of continuing the giant turtle species.  Just as the video was about to show a hired porn star toss off George to collect his male sperm to make more lonesomegeorge babes, the teacher bloody turned it off.   Pa-

Snow Snow Sno.w has finally hit us. As I tredge through the snow (yes I just made up at word I’m fucking Milton init), I realise how snow can be a brilliant ass toner. I took an hour walk today to my best friend’s sauna and by the time I’d reached the top of the hill I could literally feel my muscles burning.  Felt the burn baby. 

Go walk in the snow. But don’t wear normal shoes because that would be stupid.  Wear the cool kind that your parents make you wear. The kind that hikers in Australia wear when they don’t want to be bitten by jungle snakes.

            I hate snow. 

Today in choir I was asked to do a solo. OMGWOWSOLOREALLYNOWAY No. I was asked to read out a line of Hebrew in a song that didn’t even have a bloody melody to it just because I happened to be the only jew in the room. 

And so 

I whispered it seductively as a joke and was told by the choirmaster to sound more dramatic. Next week it’s interpretive Israeli dance move time,    you dickhead. 

(lol jokes lusms I'm singing in jazz band thurs come watch n show sum luv n tingz)

v.LOG  coming soon...