Peas.

Rachel:  “HI EVERYBODAY”

Everybody:  “Hi Doctor Nick”

That’s my entrance greeting as I enter rooms. Mind blower that one. 

It’s ironic really. Because I’m not a doctor. And my name isn’t Nick. 

Which is why today I decided to pronounce myself a cowgirl doll belonging to Andy. Now the world will know that I’m a fucking real-life toy. Weeeeeeee

I know.   You wish you had an owner like Andy. 

Nina Rauch is my fellow toy. She makes me appreciate that being nice to people will earn you freebies.  Kind of like mormons. But not really.          Sex. 

On Valentines Gay I was on the bus (alone)   (just kidding)  (but I was actually alone) when a crazy drunkard man thought he would be super cool and stand up as the bus was in fast motion holding his open beer can of beer.  He stumbled, and as the bus shook and shack, he spilled his beer over a beautifully-dressed lady sitting down on the bus with her date.               

           The lady looked down at her silk blue maxi skirt and began to sob. And I mean big, fat, baby tears rolling down her face.

                                                                        It was sort of hilarious.  But not really. 

          Her “date” laughed his head off, whilst a mother standing with a pram handed her a sympathy baby wipe.  

The drunkard, on the other hand, looked as if he had been stabbed in the stomach and made a ranting speech about how washing machines are great at removing stains. 

“When I ga ga ghad a washin machin .. ga ga it gatta ridda stains from ga ada ga”

The poor silk blue lady told the drunk man to piss off and take a seat before he spilt beer over someone else. Then that bitch POINTED HER FINGER AT THE SEAT NEXT TO ME and told him to sit next to 'that sweet-looking girl'.  

Sweet-looking girl my ass. What a total mutherfucker. 

So I got off the bus. And bought myself a pack of sour skittles with two twenty peas I found on the floor. 

Ha. Peas.